Hey there,
Thank you for stopping by,
I am back after a long time and have gathered enough courage to upload my most stunning photos on the internet.
So here it is.
Work in Progress
During the pandemic, when lives had come to a standstill and everyone around was gaining weight, my body chose a different trajectory. I did not realize it until I started going out post-October and people asked, “Reshma, you have grown so thin, is everything all right?” or “what is the secret behind your weight loss?”.
I would smile and walk away wondering, “when the hell was I fat?”. It went on for a while, after which I came up with a reason of my own: during the pandemic, I drank a lot of warm water and potions heavily infused with spices.
On my advice, a friend even started with the spartan regime of drinking 2-3 litres of water/day. The poor fellow came back after three months and lovingly gave his feedback and I quote, “behen, 1 inch bhi Kam nahi hua, bas har waqt moota rehta hu.” (Sis, I did not lose even an inch, all I do is pee all day). I stopped advising people on weight loss since then.
One day, like many other days, I had nothing to do. I was going through my mobile gallery (pretty sure the internet was down) when I stumbled upon an old photo. I could not recognize myself, so I checked the date. It was from 2018, not very long ago. It took me more than a minute to accept that it was me. I stood in front of the mirror and wondered what the fuck happened here?
I backtracked all the photos that I had in my backup account. I even checked my mother’s and my cousins’ phones.
I came across photos from around 2012 to very recent. Back in the day, I was not much into getting pictures clicked. With whatever earlier pics I found, my head started bursting with questions. How did I gain so much weight? When did I lose it? Why did I not notice this change? And, why was I not called out by anyone? There had been no major lifestyle changes, and food habits too had more or less remained the same over the years.
At no point, I was detected with hormonal imbalance or health conditions that could have caused this weight gain. In fact, between 2016 and 2019, I used to commute to college by local trains and was physically much more active. Unlike 2020, when I was nothing more than a couch potato.
Since I was a few months away from my UPSC prelim exams, I could not afford to ponder much. The exam came, the exam went, the results got announced, and I did not make it. It took me some time to recoup from the failure, but once I was out of that zone, the questions resurfaced. One day while talking to a friend, I mentioned my weight gain story. The friend asked, “Reshma, does the timeline not ring a bell?” to which I replied in my classy style, “hain?”.
We went through the photos and discovered an interesting pattern. I started gaining weight in the mid of 2015, the time when some personal problems began to occur.
My body weight maxed in 2018, the year I started experiencing minor symptoms of anxiety. I clearly remember my first conscious anxiety encounter. It was back in 2018. A lab practical was postponed by a week. This small instance had left me feeling restless for more than four days. It felt like someone inside my head was playing a terrifying movie on the loop, and I had no way to stop it.
From 2018 to the first three fourth part of 2019, my body showed some mercy and did not expand any further. In fact, I lost some kgs due to increased physical activity during my internship. In November and December, I took a few counselling sessions, after which I started opening up to people. Because that was the biggest takeaway.
My reluctance to trust people and the belief that people will hurt and abandon me had dragged me to this point. As per my counsellor’s suggestions, I started talking to people and connecting with them. Eventually, I realised that trusting someone is my choice, what they do with my trust is their character. And not everyone is as bad as I think. By March of 2020, I looked something like this.
(Since the problem was not very severe, only a few sessions worked for me. It may not be the same for everyone).
Last night I was discussing this expansion and contraction journey with some friends. Amidst our conversation, my childhood friend mentioned how she had lost a lot of weight while going through a similar phase.
We have known each other for years, but somehow, she did not notice my weight gain, and I failed to notice her weight loss. Just like I did not talk about my problems, and she remained numb about hers.
It is insane, how during those four years, no one called me out for my weight. Had someone pointed it out, I would have broken down way before November. And it makes me realize how much I had taken my health for granted. I will be lying if I say I am not terrified of gaining so many kgs. If it ever happens, I do not know how I will handle it. Because this time, I will not live in ignorance.
I also cannot help but wonder, what would have happened had I not approached a counsellor back then. I still believe identifying that something was wrong and seeking help are to date my biggest achievements.
Sometimes I feel I should encourage more people to take counselling/therapy. But when people have mouths to feed, and responsibilities to shoulder, mental health is the last thing they care about. And not everyone is privileged enough to have access to mental health experts.
From my brief experience, what helped was people not calling me out. I do not know if it was conscious or if they overlooked me the whole time. Whatever it was, I am grateful to the people in my life. Even a comment made out of concern could have provoked a domino effect, the damages of which I do not wish to imagine.
So, is everything okay now? Physically? Yes. Mentally? It is a work in progress.
Thank you for reading.
Disclaimer:
All the rights to this blog are owned by Reshma Maurya. Please seek permission before using. The views expressed are completely personal.
Image source: Pexels Free Photos
Reshma Maurya 
I think if someone had told you, you would have handled it fine.
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Maybe, we would never know. I am anyhow grateful people did not. Thanks for reading Suyash.
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