I Don’t Remember Faces

Hey there,

Thank you for stopping by,

Has it ever happened to you that you have received help from strangers, especially when you thought no one would be able to help you?

So here it is,

---

I Don’t Remember Faces

I shall forever remember the day I had my first anxiety attack. We had a fest in our college the next day – to which I was reluctant to go. 

I was coming back from the college on the BEST bus. It was just a few minutes away from the stop. I was busy enjoying my ice cream when I noticed a man was standing nearby carrying his child. I had thought I should offer my seat, but I was too tired after a long day. 

That was it. That was the trigger. In the next 30 seconds, I remembered every negative thought I might have ever gotten in the last 20 years. 

Being abandoned, left unheard, being cut out every time I had tried to open up, knowingly or unknowingly I had hurt people, my arrogance towards the elderly, etc. – you name it and I had it.  

I somehow managed to finish the ice cream when my stop arrived. Ideally, I should have headed toward home, but it was not a regular day. I got off the bus and started walking in the opposite direction. 

After walking for about 2 minutes, I could sense breathlessness, and it felt as if I were getting pushed from ahead at the same time someone was pulling from behind.   

Around 5 minutes later, I reached a temple where I had been going since childhood. I have never been a religious person. I was someone who would believe in God based on my convenience. But that day, I did not know to whom else to go. 

I realized at that moment, that things I had been carrying with me for the past 4.5 years had reached their tipping point. I had tried everything to get rid of them – talking, journaling, counselling, etc.

I remember the moment I had reached the foot of the temple. I looked up t around 70 stairs lying in front of me. I wondered has the slope had become steeper or had the number of stairs increased. Stairs which I had climbed umpteen number of times in the past.

I wanted to go back. But I knew if I went home, I would have a breakdown there, which my family may not understand. And they will be left with several questions whose answers even I didn’t know. 

I decided to climb the staircase. The moment I reached and was inside the temple, I threw my bag (I still don’t remember where I had thrown my bag) and stood in the sanctum sanctorum. 

I cried for about …. I don’t remember for how long. It was only after I opened my eyes did I realize, a lot of people were around and nobody cared. And I swear nothing had ever felt so good. All I remember is a lady who had walked past me smiling and I had smiled back at her – with tears in my eyes and I am pretty sure mucus flowing down my nose.        

I wiped my tears, attended to aarti, and came back home. In the next few days, I frequented that temple several times. 

It has been more than 2 years since I had cried there. But today, history repeated itself. 

Unlike that day, today I was mature enough to understand that it’s just a bad time, not a bad life. And my inability to communicate and my fat size ego would always keep putting me in such situations.

Today I reached there after the Aarti was over. I was about to start praying (read crying) when a lady stopped me and asked me to wait for a while because some rituals were yet to take place. 

I came out of the sanctum sanctorum and sat next to this lady who was making a garland out of rose petals. When I looked at her closely I realized she was the same person who had smiled at me that day. 

That’s when I realized that I had come far without actually changing some common behavioral patterns. You might ask, Reshma how come that lady reminded you of such a thing. She really did not, but she did trigger something and brought back a lot of memories. 

And guess what? I started crying. But today it did not go unnoticed. Today when I cried this lady asked me not to cry because apparently you are not supposed to cry in front of God. The rationale behind it was that he/she/they know everything.  

Another man walked up to me and asked why was I crying and I didn’t know what to say. All I could say was “I am fine”. 

Around 10 seconds later, I felt an arm holding me. There was this lady who instead of asking “what was wrong?” “where did I live?” or “why was I crying?” she said, “It’s okay”. 

She repeatedly kept saying that. I didn’t even realize it when I told her everything that had been troubling me for the past few days. 

She did explain a few things and tried to give solutions (which I was already aware of).

I am still wondering how was I able to communicate some of my deepest insecurities to this stranger. Something that people in my vicinity have been asking me to do for years. 

And by the time 5 minutes ended, all I could conclude was that I was the problem, like always. She did say a few things which I believe but wasn’t able to follow for the past few days.

For those 5 minutes, she didn’t leave my arm, not even for once. As someone who is not very comfortable with someone physically consoling me, it felt necessary at that moment. 

By the time conversation ended, I had realized I had been stressing about a few stupid things. She showed me a long-term picture of things that I was unable to see because I was too busy comparing what I had in front of my eyes to the things that I lacked. 

After a few minutes, she left, and the last ritual was performed. I offered my prayers but did not ask for anything. I was only thankful for bringing such people into my life when I needed them the most. 

I sat there for a few minutes, thanked her for everything, and left. 

Two years ago at the same place, I felt blessed when no one had seen me. Today I thanked God for making me visible to someone. 

That day I had surrendered in front of the almighty, and today all I could do was be grateful. 

Two years ago, I thought it was a cursed life, today I knew it was just a bad day. 

Two years ago, when I had cried there, tears worth 4.5 years of frustration had flown out. Today, it was only for a few months. 

Well, I think it is progress.

But some things do remain unchanged. Like my inability to communicate and overthinking until I have a mental breakdown, sick need of being understood without saying a single word, not empathizing enough with people, not budging at all, magnifying my problems, inability to accept situations, and myself.

One more thing remains common. I don’t remember this woman’s face either. Maybe, some other time I will meet her again and she might respond differently. 

That would be when destiny will bring a new stranger into my life, only to be forgotten again without actually forgetting how they made me feel.   

Thank you for reading.

---

Disclaimer:

All the rights of this blog are owned by Reshma Maurya. Please seek permission before using. Views expressed are completely personal.

Image source: Pexels Free Photos